Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: "Dude, this is so cool. Killer headless Norwegian Congolese warrior ghosts kick ass!" It isn't just a song. Roland is real, and he's out for revenge... against Stan. Not for die-hard Taylor Swift fans.  TSP Episode #108
1. Best Sleepover Ever

**"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"**

_IMPORTANT NOTE: For the sake of comedy (?), I pretend that Warren Zevon is not yet dead. In reality, he died of cancer in 2003. Rest in peace Warren, you crazy, awesome son-of-a-bitch._

_NOTE: I do not own the rights to _South Park_ or Warren Zevon's songs, but I wish I did. This piece is written in the form of a script. It includes the original character Charlie Pierzynski (see "The Charlie Arc" for more details). It's rated T for language only. Kenny's lines are parenthesized to indicate that they are muffled. _

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_Contains references to:_

"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" by Warren Zevon. (_If you are unfamiliar with this song, I recommend looking up the lyrics or, better yet, listening to a version on YouTube. It's a classic_.)

"Excitable Boy" by Warren Zevon

"Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift

"Teardrops on My Guitar" by Taylor Swift

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**Part 1. Red Bull + Nine-Year-Olds = Best Sleepover Ever**

_Stan is in his hat and pajamas (green T-shirt and blue pants) in his room, setting up snacks. His door is open. Charlie walks up; she's still dressed in her normal clothes. She's holding two bags of Cheesy Poofs._

Charlie: Okay, I got the Cheesy Poofs.

Stan: Two bags?

Charlie: Well, I was going to get just one, but then I remembered Cartman was coming.

_Sharon walks up to the doorway._

Sharon: It's almost seven-thirty. Your little friends will be here soon.

Stan: Okay, Mom.

Charlie: I'm gonna go get in my pajamas. Thanks for letting me hang out with you guys at your sleepover.

Stan: No problem. Just promise you won't do any girly stuff, okay?

Charlie: Alright.

_She walks out of the room._

Stan (shouting): That includes pillow fights!

Charlie (from other room): Damn it!

_Stan hums to himself as he dumps a bag of Cheesy Poofs into a large bowl. The doorbell rings._

Stan: I'll get it!

_Stan runs to the door and opens it. Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are outside in their pajamas (Kenny's still just in his parka) with duffles and sleeping bags._

Cartman (sifting through his duffle bag): I brought my Star Wars video games, and Clyde Frog, and Free Willy…

_Stan leads them upstairs. Charlie meets them in front of Stan's room._

Charlie: Hi, guys.

Cartman: Damn it! Stan, what is she doing here?

Charlie: I live here.

Stan: She's gonna hang out with us tonight.

Kenny: WOOHOO! (This is fucking awesome!)

Charlie: Don't worry. I'm still sleeping in Shelley's room.

Kenny: Aw…

_Suddenly, from Shelley's room comes the horrific sound of… Taylor Swift. She's singing "Teardrops on my Guitar". The guys (except Kenny) and Charlie cover their ears._

Charlie: Jesus Christ, what is that?

Stan: I dunno, but… God! It's awful!

_They go into Stan's room. The three visitors unroll their sleeping bags._

Kyle: Hey guys, guess what I brought? Some of that Red Bull stuff that's supposed to give you tons of energy. It's got enough caffeine and sugar to keep you awake all night.

Stan: Dude, where'd you get that? Your mom would never let you buy that stuff.

Kyle: I know a guy.

_He passes them out. All five of them open them up and start to drink._

Charlie: I dunno, Kyle. I don't really feel any different.

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_Three hours later…_

_Stan and Kyle are jumping on Stan's bed and hollering. Cartman is spinning in circles making buzzing sounds. Kenny and Charlie are jumping around, playing the air guitar and making guitar sounds._

Stan and Kyle (singing): Sixty-seven bottles of beer on the wall! Sixty-seven bottles of beer!

_They keep singing in the background._

Cartman: I! Am! Your! Lord! And! Master! AAHHH!

Kenny and Charlie (Batman theme song; Kenny is muffled): Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na BATMAN!

Kyle: This is the best sleepover EVER!

Cartman: HEY! YOU SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO! I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER! RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH!

_Kenny does a handstand, then gets back up._

Kenny to Charlie: (You try!)

_Charlie starts to do a handstand but her shirt starts falling back so she falls down. Kenny starts laughing hysterically and pointing at her._

Charlie: YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!

_Kenny, still pointing and laughing, nods. Charlie lunges at him and they start rolling around. They knock over Cartman, who falls on top of them._

Charlie: HELP! ELEPHANT ATTACK!

_Kyle, still jumping on the bed, starts shooting at Cartman with imaginary guns. Stan does a Tarzan shout and jumps on top of the pile._

Kenny (angrily): (Ouch! Jesus Christ, that hurt!)

_Cartman stands up. Stan falls on the ground._

Cartman: I AM KLINGON! HEAR ME ROAR!

_Cartman runs into the wall and falls over._

Kyle: WHO WANTS MORE RED BULL?

All: YES!

_They all run up and start drinking it like animals._

Charlie: LET'S PLAY RING-AROUND-THE-ROSIE!

Cartman: Holy SHIT; I LOVE that game!

_Just then, Sharon pokes her head in._

Sharon: Stanley?

_Stan turns to face her. The others start playing Ring-Around-The-Rosie._

Sharon: Stanley, you guys need to keep it down in here. Shelley is trying to sleep.

Stan: SILENCE! You cannot control me! I obey no man! Ha-ha-ha!

_He runs and jumps onto his bed and keeps jumping._

Other four: ASHES! ASHES! WE ALL FALL DOWN!

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_Four hours later…_

_Stan is sprawled sideways on his bed, his arms and head dangling over the side. Kyle and Charlie sit on the floor, leaning on the side of the bed. Kenny lies on his back on the floor. Cartman lies on his side on the floor, hugging his knees and trembling. They all have dead expressions on their faces. Kyle burps. No one says anything for a few seconds._

Cartman: Kyle… I fucking hate you…

_Shelley walks into the room. She goes up to each of them and slaps them._

Shelley: That's for whichever of you twerps left the toilet seat up.

Charlie: I didn't do it. I'm a girl.

_Shelley goes up to Charlie and whacks her again. She then walks out of the room and closes the door. The slaps seem to have brought the group back to their senses._

Kenny: (You guys want to watch_ Free Willy_?)

Kyle: No, that movie is retarded.

Cartman: Hey,_ you guys_ are retarded! _Free Willy_ kicks ass!

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_They're all sitting in a circle in the dark. Kyle is holding a flashlight under his face._

Kyle: Her boyfriend still hadn't come back yet, but she kept hearing the scratch, scratch, scratch on the side of her car. Suddenly, a drop of blood splattered on the windshield. She leaned forward and looked up—

Cartman: And she sees the mutilated corpse of her boyfriend hanging from the tree, gettin' blood all over her nice new car!

Kyle: Hey, shut up, fat-ass! [He gets back into story mode.] Terrified, and the scratching getting louder, she shoves the keys in the ignition and speeds away. Only when she gets out of the car miles away does she realize—

Cartman: The hook hand is stuck in the car door because the escaped serial killer had killed her boyfriend and was trying to break into her car, but when she sped away, he didn't have time to detach his hook from the car door and it got ripped off of his arm. Nice story, Kyle. _Very_ original.

Kyle: Oh, come on! Cartman, you suck ass!

Stan: Dude, we've all heard that story before. It's not that scary.

Kyle: Well, does anyone have anything better?

Charlie: I might. [She takes the flashlight from Kyle.] Have any of you ever heard the tale of… Roland, the headless Thompson gunner?

_Silence._

Kenny: (What?)

Charlie: The vengeful ghost of Roland, the headless Thompson gunner. It started out in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day.

Cartman: Oh, brother.

Charlie: Hey, you better shut up and let me tell the story! Roland was a man from Norway, born around 1940.

Kenny: (Did he have a head?)

Charlie: Yes, he had a head… when he was alive. Roland was a warrior. In 1966, he set sail for Biafra to fight the Bantu people in the Congo. Once he made it ashore, he joined a group of European fighters. He was placed in a battalion of Thompson gunners headed by a fellow named William Van Owen. He was sent out to battle immediately, and soon, everyone in his battalion realized he was the best Thompson gunner that there ever was. The blood, carnage, and human suffering didn't distract him, and his aim was always deadly. You see, Roland was a vicious psychopath, so he didn't feel remorse for killing people and he didn't feel upset when his comrades got their heads bashed in. He was a really good fighter. But there was a problem. You see, the United States didn't like the Congolese war, and Roland was one of its best fighters. So the CIA decided they wanted Roland dead.

Cartman: And when the CIA wants someone dead, they're fucking dead.

Charlie: Shut up, Cartman! …So they hired the battalion's commander, that son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, to do the job for them. One night when Roland was on guard while the rest of the battalion slept, Van Owen came up behind him and blew off Roland's head!

Kenny: (Oh no!)

Charlie: Oh yes! Van Owen escaped in a CIA-sanctioned tank before any of the other gunners knew what had happened. Roland was dead, but since he was murdered and his killer wasn't brought to justice, he couldn't rest in peace. His headless ghost wandered the continent, searching for the man who'd done him in, his Thompson gun in hand. At long last, Roland found Van Owen in Mombassa, in a barroom drinking gin. Roland's specter approached him. Van Owen was too afraid to even speak. He just started trembling like a crack-head going through withdrawal.

Stan: …Like a what?

Charlie: Never mind. He just started shaking. Roland aimed his Thompson gun. He didn't say a word. Then he blew out Van Owen's body. All they ever found of him… was his head.

Kyle: Oh, the irony!

Charlie: Roland loves irony. But even when Van Owen died, Roland couldn't rest. You see, Van Owen was paid by the CIA to kill him, so until he gets revenge against those agents, he can't rest in peace. Roland traveled to the United States, seeking revenge against those CIA agents who planned his demise. They say he's still roaming the States, searching for the agents he has yet to kill… always looking for revenge.

_Charlie flickers the flashlight on and off rapidly, cackling evilly._

Stan: Hey, stop it! You're gonna burn out the bulb!

Charlie: Sorry.

Kyle: Is…is that a true story?

Charlie: Heh, no. [She flickers the flashlight again.] Or is it…?

Stan: I'm serious, dude; stop it!

Charlie: Sorry.


	2. Roland's Revenge

**"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"**

**Part 2. Roland's Revenge**

_The next morning, Stan wakes up in his bed. He grabs his head and groans. We see that Cartman, Charlie, and Kenny are all asleep on the floor, not in their sleeping bags, but sprawled out almost like they just passed out on the floor. Stan sits up and grabs his head in pain. With droopy eyes he gets out of bed and sighs deeply, still holding his head. He nudges Charlie with his foot. She doesn't move. He nudges her again and she groans and pulls one of the sleeping bags over her head._

Charlie: God, just shoot me.

Stan: You weren't supposed to [yawn] sleep in here.

Charlie: I don't care.

_Cartman and Kenny start to wake up. They react similarly, grabbing their heads and moaning._

Cartman: I…hate…Kyle…

_The four of them walk slowly down the stairs, still with droopy eyes and mouths slightly open. In the living room, Kyle is standing in front of the T.V. The news is on._

Newscaster: If you're just joining us, we're covering the brutal murder of Lieutenant James Bargin that took place sometime last night. This honored veteran was slain in his North Park home just days after the publication of his tell-all book about his father's life as a CIA agent decades ago.

_The other four come up behind Kyle._

Charlie: What are you watching?

Kyle: Shh, listen.

Newscaster Woman: That's right, Tom. The on-scene investigators have already revealed that there is no indication of a break-in or a robbery. In addition, the decorated veteran had no known enemies, which has led to speculation that the killer might have been motivated by information in Bargin's recently-released book, _International Man of America_, in which he revealed previously undisclosed stories about the work of his late father, Henry Bargin, a powerful and controversial CIA agent in the 1960s.

Newscaster: Sarah, it looks like the lead investigator is about to make an announcement.

_The focus turns to a heavy, white-haired man in a police uniform._

Investigator: Um… Our investigators are working diligently in search of clues… um… that might reveal the, uh, the identity of… um… the killer. We believe the killer to be male and we expect him to be large enough to carry at least 200 lb.

Reporter: Why have you come to that conclusion?

Investigator: Well… the victim was, um, beheaded. And, um, the body is missing. ….We just have the head.

_The five kids gasp._

Newscaster: In a shocking twist, the lead investigator of the case has revealed that Bargin's corpse was beheaded, and all that remains at the scene of the crime is the victim's head!

Newscaster Woman: Well, let's hope that helps the investigators get _ahead_ of the killer to solve this crime, Tom.

Newscaster: Ha-ha, that's right, Sarah. Speaking of heads, this broadcast has been brought to you by Pampers! Providing your child with all the mobility and comfort they deserve after they shit themselves! Pampers!

_The four boys all stare at Charlie._

Charlie: …What?

Stan: Dude! That sounded just like that story you told about Ronald the headless gunman!

Charlie: Roland the headless Thompson gunner.

Stan: Whatever.

Kyle: Yeah. That guy's dad was a CIA agent and everything!

Charlie: It's just a coincidence. I didn't even make up the story; I mean, mostly. It's just a song.

Cartman: A song about the headless ghost of a Norwegian Congolese warrior?

Charlie: Listen, have you guys ever heard of Warren Zevon?

Kenny: (Who?)

Charlie: [Sigh.] Come on, I'll show you.

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_Charlie sits in front of a computer. The guys all stand around her. She is playing a video of Warren Zevon singing "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"._

Cartman: That guy is totally stoned.

Charlie: So you see? It's just a song. I made up some of the details, but it's not real. It's just a coincidence.

Stan: Well, if you say so, dude.

_They walk back to the television. The male announcer is speaking._

Newscaster: This just in: our aerial surveillance team has made a startling discovery. It appears that the killer or killers of Lieutenant Bargin left a message in the backyard of his house.

_The helicopter camera now shows, burned into the grass in Bargin's backyard, the message: "ROLAND'S REVENGE." __All five of the kids stare at the television in complete shock._

Newscaster: Was this message left by the killer or killers? Is it a hoax? Does it have any relationship to the disturbing images carved into the walls of Bargin's home? And how did this killer enter the locked home without any broken windows or bashed doors, decapitate the cautious and well-trained soldier without any sign of a struggle, and dispose of the majority of the body without leaving any trace of blood behind? Is no one safe?

Voice: Coverage of this brutal murder has been brought to you by Pampers: Providing your child all the comfort and mobility they deserve after they shit themselves!

Charlie: Well, that's… quite the coincidence, huh, guys?

Newscaster Woman: We're receiving word that the Head Investigator has breaking information on the case. We're taking you there, live, with our on-scene reporter.

_The same officer is shown, holding some papers and looking nervous._

Investigator: Um, among the weapons owned by the Lieutenant, we have found only one weapon not registered to Mr. Bargin: a 1966 Thompson gun.

Reporter: What does this mean for the case?

Investigator: Um, well, we have no reason to believe the Lieutenant was holding this weapon illegally, and we have no idea where it might have come from. We also found blood spatter on the weapon, the only spatter in the entire house.

Reporter #2: Does the blood belong to Mr. Bargin?

Investigator: We, uh, have sent some samples in for DNA testing, but, uh, we don't expect any results for at least a few weeks.

_Kyle turns off the T.V. They all look at Charlie again._

Charlie: It's just a coincidence!

Kyle: Let's see: the son of a CIA agent is murdered just days after he publishes a book about his dad's work in the CIA. The murderer got into the locked house without breaking any windows, killed him, left his head at the scene, got rid of the body without getting any blood anywhere, intentionally left a 1966 Thompson gun at the scene of the crime, and burned "Roland's revenge" in the grass in the backyard.

_Silence._

Charlie: Well, even if it isn't a coincidence, I don't know anything about it! I told you, I just made up the story from the song.

Cartman: Dude, this is so cool. Killer headless Norwegian Congolese warrior ghosts kick ass.

_Shelley walks into the room._

Shelley: Get out of the way, turds! I want to watch TV!

_She turns on the TV and changes around the channel. She stops on a station showing a Taylor Swift concert. She is singing "Picture to Burn." The guys (except Kenny) and Charlie cover their ears._

Charlie: Oh, dear God, what is this?

Shelley: It's Taylor Swift, turd.

Cartman: Make it stop! For the love of God, make it stop!

Shelley: She's such a talented singer. She even writes all of her own songs.

Stan: Ugh, I believe it. Come on guys, let's get out of here before Cartman shits himself.

Kenny: (I kind of like it.)

Cartman: Ugh, you would, Kenny.

Stan: Ha-ha, wuss.

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_Later that evening, Charlie and the Marshes are eating dinner._

Stan: So, did you guys hear about that North Park guy who got decapitated?

Sharon: Stanley, not at the dinner table!

Randy: Oh yeah, I heard about that on the news. Weird stuff.

Stan: Did you hear that his dad was a CIA agent?

Randy: No kidding?

Charlie: Yeah, they said the guy had just published a book about his dad a few days before he got beheaded. CIA agents are so cool.

Sharon: You know, my father was a CIA agent.

Stan: I didn't know Grandpa was in the CIA.

Sharon: Yep. He did some work in the Congo back in the '60s. He was never allowed to say much about what he did there.

_Stan and Charlie look at each other._

Stan: Did you say he worked in the Congo? Like, in the war with the Bantu and stuff?

Sharon: Well, he didn't actually fight the war, but he did some "stuff" that impacted the war. How do you know so much about 20th century African conflicts, son?

Stan: Um, the internet, I guess. Can I be excused?

Randy: Uh, yeah, sure, son.

Charlie: Me too?

Randy: Go ahead.

_The two run upstairs into Stan's room._

Charlie: Dude! Your Grandpa could have been involved in murdering Roland the headless Thompson gunner!

Stan: I know! Is he gonna kill my mom?

Charlie: I don't know. We shouldn't get too worried, right? I mean, it was just a song, right? Ghosts aren't real, so they can't kill people, right?

Stan: Right.

_Just then, the phone rings._

Sharon (calling from downstairs): Charlie, it's for you!

_Charlie goes over to a phone in the hall._

Charlie: Hello?

Kyle: Charlie? It's Kyle. Turn the T.V. to channel four.

Charlie: Why, what happened?

Kyle: Just watch it. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

_Kyle hangs up. Charlie puts down the phone._

Stan: What was it?

Charlie: I dunno. Kyle says to watch Channel Four News.

_They go downstairs and turn on the TV, then turn on Channel 4._

Newscaster: The residents of the Denver suburb of Fairbanks are reeling with the news of the brutal murder of a beloved citizen. Former CIA agent Frank Bianco was killed in his home. All that was found of him was his head. So far, the only clues are a blood-spattered Thompson gun found by Mr. Bianco's famous baseball bat collection and a cryptic message left on his wall by the killer: "Roland's revenge." Police have already publicly linked this case with last night's decapitation murder of Lieutenant James Bargin, where a similar weapon and message were discovered at the scene. There just might be a serial killer on the loose.

_Stan and Charlie stare gaping at the screen._

Newscaster: This just in! Colorado residents from Denver to Northpark and beyond have entered a state of panic over the serial killer the press has dubbed "the TGB" or "Thompson gun beheader." Will this murderous fiend ever be captured? Is anyone truly safe? We take you live with our Pam-Cam, sponsored by Pampers, to a press conference held by the Denver police.

Reporter: Sir, is there a serial killer on the loose in Denver?

Officer: We don't want to jump to conclu—OH MY GOD, THERE HE IS! SHOOT HIM!

_The camera turns around shakily as police open fire on a blind man with a cane. Once he's completely riddled with bullets, the officer at the stand, breathing heavily, is approached by another, who whispers to him._

Officer: Oh, sh—

_The camera is shut off, and it goes back to the newscaster, who is staring straight ahead, baffled and open-mouthed. Charlie is covering her mouth and Stan stares at the screen. Both of them are bug-eyed. Charlie glances at Stan, who doesn't move._

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_The next day, the whole group meets at Kyle's house. They're in his room._

Kyle: Did you guys all see the news last night? Isn't this insane?

Cartman: Yeah, this Roland guy is so cool. I can't wait until he strikes again. Who will the next victim be? The world is waiting to find out!

Stan: Cartman, shut up! Roland is not cool!

_Stan crosses his arms and looks away. The other boys look confused._

Kenny: (What's up his ass?)

Charlie: Guys, last night, Stan found out his Grandpa was a CIA agent in the Congo in the 1960s.

Cartman: Oh, sweet! Roland's gonna kill Stan next! This is gonna be awesome!

Charlie: No, Cartman, this is _not_ awesome. And I think he's gonna kill Stan's mom, not Stan.

Cartman: I bet you five dollars Roland kills Stan.

Stan: Thanks, that's real cool, fat-ass.

Kyle: Look, Roland is not going to kill Stan or his mom. We'll find some sort of way to stop him.

Charlie: How exactly are we going to do that?

Kyle: Well, I don't know whether this means anything or not, but when I looked at the lyrics to that song last night, I noticed something a little weird.

Stan: What is it?

Kyle: It's just this one line: "He found him in Mombasa, in a barroom drinking gin."

Kenny: Mmm?

Kyle: Well, remember the first guy who died? His last name was "Bargin." I know it might just be a coincidence, but I think that, maybe, there might be some sort of hidden message in the song.

Stan: Do you think?

Charlie: I don't know. Even if Kyle's right, that name was pretty well-hidden. How would we ever find anything else?

Kyle: We need to talk with the one person who knows more about Roland the headless Thompson gunner than anyone else.

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_The five kids are in Chef's car with Chef. Cartman is in the front and the other four are squished in the back together (Stan, Kenny, Charlie, Kyle)._

Kyle: Thanks for taking us to go meet Warren Zevon, Chef.

Chef: No problem, children. I used to know Warren Zevon back in the day. I'll make sure you get in to talk to him, but I'm not setting foot in his house myself. That place gives me the heebie-jeebies.

_Kenny's hand is "accidentally" getting a little too close to Charlie's chest._

Charlie: Hey! Kenny's being a pervert!

_Stan punches him in the head._

Kenny: (Ouch!)

Kyle: Give him one for me too.

_Stan punches him again._

Kenny: (Ouch!)

Chef: Let's keep our hands to ourselves, children.

Stan (looking out the window): Wow, we're in the middle of nowhere. [There are just cornfields and empty space.] How long until we get there, Chef?

Chef: Well, if I remember correctly… Yeah, here it is now!

_They stop at a tiny little cottage on the side of the road. The kids look at each other._

Charlie: This is where Warren Zevon lives?

Chef: It's bigger than it looks. Get out now, children. I'll be back to pick you up in an hour.

_The kids get out of the car and walk up to the front door. They glance at each other, then Stan knocks at the door. After a moment, a floppy-headed person (like a Canadian) in a tuxedo answers the door._

Butler: Yes, how may I be of assistance?

Stan: Um… we need to talk to Warren Zevon.

Chef (shouting from the car): It's okay, Lionel! They're cool!

Lionel: Hmm, very well then. Come in.

_They enter the little cabin. It's lit with candles. The only thing in the room is a big elevator box._

Lionel: You should find Mr. Zevon on the Negative Third Floor. [He presses a button and the door opens. He ushers them into the elevator.] I bid you a good day, gentlemen.

_Kyle looks at the elevator buttons. There are around ten, some with letters, some with numbers, one with a Batman logo, and one with a percentage sign. Kyle presses the one that says "-3". The elevator goes down a bit, then the doors open again. They enter a massive hallway with psychotic scribbling on the walls. It's totally dark except for a few torches lining the wall._

Cartman: Guys… this place is really creepy.

Stan: Don't be such a baby, Cartman.

Charlie: I don't know. This place is kind of weird.

Kyle: Don't worry, Charlie. Just stick with me.

Cartman (in a mocking high-pitched voice): Oh Kyle, you are my hero! You are so brave, Kyle!

Kyle: Shut your goddamn mouth, fat boy.

Kenny: (Do you guys hear that?)

_They start to hear the sound of someone whispering at the end of the hallway. It echoes off of the walls, which are mossy and drippy._

Stan: I guess… I guess that's probably Warren Zevon.


	3. Roland Makes the World a Better Place

**"Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner"**

**Part 3. Roland Makes the World a Better Place**

_None of them move. Kyle glances at Charlie, who is staring nervously at the end of the hallway._

Kyle: Well… let's go then.

_They start walking down the hallway. Charlie hugs herself. She looks at Kyle, and he smiles nervously. She grabs his hand and they keep walking. (Kyle looks surprised, then delighted.)_

Whispering Voice: Seven years' worth of semen splattered the walls as he choked his dying breath.

Charlie (whispering/squealing, and grabbing Kyle's arm): What the fuck, man?

_They all stop walking for a moment, and stare ahead at the black end of the hallway, where the voice appears to be coming from._

Whispering Voice: She put it in her will; she wanted her skin to be made into three lampshades, one for each of her children.

_There's silence for a moment._

Kyle: Uh… Mr. Zevon?

Whispering voice: His underwear was stained red with the menstrual blood of his numerous lovers.

_They keep walking forward._

Whispering voice: She had a head she could screw on and off. When she took it off, she could be used as a human flashlight by inserting a light bulb in her neck. [Pause as they keep walking forward.] "Come to me," she cried, "and I will gift you the dewdrops on the skin of a thousand virgins."

_At last they reach the end. They can finally see, in the dim lighting, that there is nothing more than a chair with a tape recorder playing on it._

Whispering Voice: The man who eats his mother eats his lover.

Kyle: What the…?

_Suddenly, the whole place lights up and a man walks in from a hidden door in the wall, laughing._

Warren Zevon: I gotcha! Ha-ha! I love the old tape-recorder-playing-cryptic phrases-in-a-dimly-lit-hallway trick. It's a classic!

_The kids stare at him in puzzlement. Kenny tilts his head._

Warren Zevon: Hey kids, I'm Warren Zevon! Welcome to my humble home!

Kyle: You—you have a sick sense of humor, Mister! Come on! We're just a bunch of eight-year-olds!

Cartman: Oooh, Kyle and Charlie are holding haa-aands!

_They awkwardly let go. Charlie looks embarrassed and Kyle looks angry._

Kyle: That was just because she was scared because this sick son-of-a-bitch thinks it's funny to terrify children with stuff like, "His underwear was stained with—uh, with…"

Charlie (still looking shell-shocked from the whole ordeal): His underwear was stained red with the menstrual blood of his numerous lovers.

Warren Zevon: Well, I do apologize. I didn't realize you kids were so young. Here, this hallway is just for show. Come on back with me to La Casa Zevon.

_They walk through the hidden door into a luxurious lounge._

Warren Zevon: Would you children care for some refreshments?

Stan: Um, actually, Mr. Zevon—

Cartman: Ooh, could I have Cheesy Poofs and some root beer?

Warren Zevon: You can have some Cheesy Poofs, but all I have to drink is, uh… [He checks his fridge.] …hard liquor and chocolate milk.

Kenny: (I'll take a scotch on the rocks, please.)

Warren Zevon: Aren't you a little young for—

Kenny (angrily): (I said I'll take a goddamn scotch!)

Warren Zevon: Whoa, whoa, okay man, calm down.

_He pours Kenny some scotch._

Warren Zevon: Alright then, let's get down to business. [He reclines into a comfy chair and kicks his feet up on a small table.] What brought you kids out to my place today?

Stan: Your song… uh, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner".

_Warren Zevon suddenly sits up straight._

Warren Zevon: What about it?

Stan: Well… it's just a song, right? You just made it up?

_Warren Zevon stands up and walks over to the other side of the room, his back facing the kids._

Warren Zevon: If only, little boy. If only.

Kyle: So some of it's true?

Warren Zevon: All of it's true. I know. I was there.

_{Flashback. Young Warren Zevon walks through the jungle of the Congo in an army uniform towards a base camp.}_

Warren Zevon: I was a fresh-faced young man looking for adventure. I thought I'd find it in the Congo.

_{Young Zevon walks up to an important looking guy in a formal outfit.}_

_{Young Zevon: Private Warren Zevon here, sir!}_

_{Man: You just get in off the boats?}_

_{Young Zevon: Yes, sir!}_

_{Man: Excellent. [Hands him a bucket and a mop.] You're on janitorial duty.}_

Warren Zevon: I quickly gained the respect of high-ranking military officials, who permitted me to attend some of their most private meetings.

_{There's a group of CIA agents having a meeting around a table. A secret-service style guy walks into the room and whispers something to one of the agents.}_

_{Agent: What? The janitor? Is he white?}_

_{Secret Guy: Yes, sir.}_

_{Agent: Then send him in.}_

_{Young Zevon sheepishly enters the room and starts mopping.}_

Warren Zevon: I was privy to some of their plans… including that to kill a young Norwegian Thompson gunner named Roland.

_{Agent 1: He's getting too good. We have to figure out some way to decrease his fighting abilities.}_

_{Agent 2: I say we kill the son-of-a-bitch.}_

_{Agent 1: All's fair in love and war, Frank, but it's not really our place to-}_

_{Agent 2: Why the hell not? We're the CIA, aren't we? We can do whatever the hell we want!}_

_{All: Yeah!}_

Warren Zevon: That's all I heard about Roland for over a year, but I was always haunted by the knowledge that I had heard the plans but did nothing about it. I had left the Congo and travelled to Mombassa. One night I went to the bar for a drink when I heard a drunk man bragging about a hit he'd done for the CIA. The victim's name was Roland.

_{Van Owen: And I blew that motherfucker's head straight out of existence! Sweetest $50 I ever done made, too.}_

Warren Zevon: That's when it happened.

_{A headless specter with a machine gun passes through the bar. The lights in the barroom go out. There's some commotion, then silence, a gunshot, and some screaming. When the lights return, the specter is gone, and Van Owen's head is on the stool where he was once sitting. End flashback.}_

_Warren Zevon is in tears._

Warren Zevon: All those memories haunted me until I had to get them out of my head. The voices… The voices!

Cartman: …Coooool.

Kyle: Mr. Zevon, we think it's possible that, well, if this ghost is real… he might be taking revenge on the CIA agents who planned his murder. Do the names "Frank Bianco" or "Henry Bargin" mean anything to you?

Warren Zevon: Oh no. Not again.

_He puts a hand to his forehead and leans over a table._

Kyle: I noticed that it looks like Bargin's name is encrypted into the song in the line about being in a "_bar_room drinking_gin_."

Kenny (while pouring himself more scotch): (Did somebody say "gin"?)

Kyle: Is there any other information in there that might be useful? We think that Stan's grandpa might have been one of the CIA agents behind Roland's murder. We have to find a way to make sure Roland doesn't kill Stan or his mom.

Warren Zevon: There were six agents involved in planning the murder: Ira Landon, Henry Bargin, Frank Bianco, Alan Stine, Robert Berkeley, and Mark Denison.

Stan: Mark Denison? Oh my God! It really was my grandpa!

Warren Zevon: To rid myself of my guilt, I hid each of their names in my song. As this clever lad already discovered, I hid Bargin's name in the phrase about Van Owen sitting in a "barroom drinking gin"-_Bargin_. The others' names are all hidden in locations mentioned in the song. Listen to this: "The deal was made in Denmark on a dark and stormy day."_Den-mark_._Mark Denison_.

Kyle: Ohhh.

Warren Zevon: Then the next line is this: "So they set out for Biafra to join the bloody fray."_Bia-fra_ is code for _Frank Bianco_. Then, in the last verse of the song, I included the line, "In _Ireland_, in Lebanon, in _Palestine_ and _Berkeley_." The names of _Ira Landon_, _Alan Stine_, and Robert _Berkeley_ are hidden there.

Charlie: Look, Mr. Zevon, Frank Bianco was killed yesterday and Henry Bargin's son was killed the night before. They were both beheaded and—

Warren Zevon: All that was left at the crime scenes were the heads, Thompson guns, and eerie messages. I know. Landon was killed back in '88, Berkley's daughter in '93, and Stine's head was discovered in '94. If Bargin and Bianco are dead now… then, well, it seems that Mark Denison is the only agent still unpunished for Roland's death.

Stan: So… is there any way to stop him?

Warren Zevon: I'm afraid I'm not aware of any, children. And it's not for lack of trying, I assure you. You see, I was there when the plan was made up, and I've always feared that, perhaps, he might try to exact his revenge on me as well.

Cartman: Heh, whoa, I'm sure glad my ancestors never pissed off Roland the headless Thompson gunner.

Charlie: Shit! I don't want Stan or Mrs. Marsh or Warren Zevon to die!

_She hugs Stan, who looks at Warren Zevon in pure terror._

Warren Zevon: Hey there, don't get down, now. Here, kids, let me sing you a little song that might cheer you all up.

_Warren Zevon goes over to a piano and starts playing._

Warren Zevon (singing the song "Excitable Boy"): _Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best. Excitable boy, they all said. And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest. Excitable boy, they all said. Well, he's just an excitable boy._

_The kids have started grinning and dancing. Kenny is drinking scotch directly out of the bottle._

Warren Zevon (singing): _He took in the four A.M. show at the Clark. Excitable boy, they all said. And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark. Excitable boy, they all said._

Stan (still dancing, but looking a little bewildered): Wait, he bit what now?

Warren Zevon (singing): _Well, he's just an excitable boy. He took little Suzie to the junior prom. Excitable boy, they all said. And he raped her and killed her and brought her home._

_They all stop dancing and stare at him, confused._

Warren Zevon (singing): _Excitable boy, they all said. Well he's just an excitable boy._ [Speaking] Piano solo!

_He plays a bit of a piano solo._

Warren Zevon: Saxophone solo!

_A black man in sunglasses playing the saxophone comes out of nowhere and plays a solo, then leaves._

Warren Zevon (singing): _After ten long years, they let him out of the home. Excitable boy, they all said. And he dug up a grave and built a cage with her bones. Excitable boy, they all said. Well, he's just an excitable boy!_

_He stops playing and turns around to face the kids. They're all standing there, staring at him with expressions of shock and confusion._

Warren Zevon: Do you feel better now, kids?

Kyle: Dude, you're worse than Chef!

Stan: What's "rape" mean?

_Just then, the lights start to flicker and a gust of wind blows into the room._

Cartman: Jesus, I'm freezing my balls off all of sudden.

_Kenny hiccups and vomits. His eyes are glazed over and he's clearly intoxicated._

Cartman: Goddamn it, Kenny, not on the carpet!

Warren Zevon: Oh, crap, the little orange-coat boy is drunk.

_The wind picks up again and an unearthly groaning sound reverberates off the walls._

Charlie: What's going on?

_Just then, a large, headless ghost carrying a machine gun appears in the room._

Warren Zevon: It's him! It's Roland the headless—

_Roland aims his gun at Warren Zevon and shoots. His body splatters against the wall and his head falls to the ground._

Stan: Oh my God! Roland the headless Thompson gunner killed Warren Zevon!

Kenny: (You bastard!)

_Roland floats over to where the body is. It soaks into Roland's body and disappears. Screaming, the kids start to run away towards the elevator._

Kyle to Charlie: Are you scared?

Charlie: Yes!

Kyle: Hold my hand again, you'll feel better!

_She grabs his hand._

Charlie: I don't feel any different!

Kyle: Uh, just wait! It'll kick in eventually!

_They get to the elevator. Kenny, drunk, has fallen behind, and Roland is getting closer to him._

Stan: Oh my God! Roland is gonna kill Kenny!

Charlie: Don't just stand there!

_She runs over to Kenny and puts his arm over her shoulder. They run back to the elevator, which closes behind them. She glares at the other three._

Cartman: Um, hooray! Charlie saved Kenny.

_Charlie lets go of Kenny. He falls down to the floor of the elevator._

Charlie: You guys were just gonna let Roland kill Kenny! You assholes!

Stan: Uh, oops.

_Kenny throws up again._

Cartman: Dudes, Kenny's, like, sooo wasted right now.

_The elevator doors open. The boys walk out and Charlie drags Kenny out by the arm. Lionel, the butler, is sitting in a chair reading a newspaper. He stands up and bows._

Lionel: Are you gentlemen and lady in need of anything else this afternoon?

Stan: Dude, Warren Zevon just got killed by Roland the headless Thompson gunner.

Lionel: I'm dreadfully sorry you had to see that, children. I believe your Chef is waiting in his car in the drive. Please do visit again.

_The boys walk out._

Charlie: Could I get a little help here? [The boys ignore her.] Sons of bitches…

_She drags Kenny out of the house and across the gravel up to the car. He flops into the backseat, then Charlie follows._

Chef: How was your visit with Warren Zevon, children?

Stan: It pretty much sucked ass.

Cartman: Warren Zevon got beheaded by Roland the headless Thompson gunner and Kenny got wasted.

Charlie: We're pretty much worse off than before, because now we know for sure that Roland is real, Roland can kill people, and Roland's gonna want to get revenge on Stan's grandpa, but there's nothing we can do about it.

Cartman: Yeah, Stan is totally screwed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Chef stops the car in front of Stan's house. The kids get out (Charlie again holding onto Kenny's hand and dragging him) and Chef rolls down the window._

Kids: Thanks, Chef.

Chef: You kids watch out for that evil ghost now.

Kyle: Okay, Chef.

_Chef drives away. They start to walk in the house._

Kyle: So now what do we do?

_He, Stan, and Cartman enter the house. Charlie is dragging Kenny up the stairs._

Charlie: C'mon… Help me out, here, Kenny…

Kenny: (Ugh…)

_He vomits._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Inside, Kyle tries to comfort Stan._

Kyle: Don't worry, dude, we'll figure out something.

Stan: No we won't. I'm doomed. And my mom's doomed.

_Charlie, breathing heavily, drags Kenny into the house._

Charlie: You guys suck.

_Just then, Shelley comes down the stairs. She's playing Taylor Swift loudly on her iPod speakers. The kids cover their ears and groan._

Cartman: Gah! Make it stop!

Charlie: It's so awful! It's so unforgivably awful!

Kyle: That's it!

Charlie: What's it?

Kyle: Taylor Swift! Her music is so horrible we might be able to use it to keep Roland away!

Stan: How?

Kyle: Well, first off, me and Kenny and Cartman have to go home and get all our speakers and bring them back.

_Kenny moans on the floor._

Kyle: Or just me and Cartman. While we're gone, you guys should look for as many different speakers and music players around your house as you can find. We'll meet back here in half an hour.

_Everyone but Kenny, who is still lying on the floor, scratched up from being dragged around, runs away._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_The five stand together in Stan's living room. There are radios, iPods, speakers, etc. set up all over._

Stan: …And it turns out my sister even had a DVD of her live in concert!

Kyle: Okay, once everyone has their earplugs in, you know what to do. Ready?

_The others nod. They push plugs into their ears (Charlie also puts on earmuffs) and start turning on the devices. Different Taylor Swift songs start playing at maximum volume. Randy, Sharon, and Shelley all enter the room. Randy and Sharon cover their ears._

Sharon: What on earth?

_Stan walks up to his parents and offers them each a pair of earplugs. Randy and Sharon look at each other, confused, before putting them in. Meanwhile, Stan goes over to the TV and puts in the DVD of Taylor Swift live in concert. Just then, out of nowhere, it gets windy. The kids all start to look around the room nervously. The lights start to flicker. Kyle, Kenny, Charlie, and Cartman all huddle together. Randy, Sharon, and Shelley look confused. Stan hurries to get the DVD playing._

Stan: Come on… Come on…

_The ghost of Roland appears. Randy, Sharon, and Shelley all hug each other and look scared. The boys (except Stan) and Charlie also hug each other._

Charlie: It didn't work! He's gonna kill Stan!

_Roland approaches Stan, who finally gets the DVD started with Taylor Swift singing "You Belong with Me". Stan yelps and Roland aims his Thompson gun… but then he jabs the image of Taylor Swift on the television. Groaning sounds emit from his neck, sputtering stuff._

Stan: …Wh—Huh?

_Roland clenches and shakes his fist, then jabs the image of Taylor Swift again. The Marshes, who had been closing their eyes, look at Stan and Roland. So do Charlie and the boys._

Charlie: W-what's he doing?

_Roland picks up Stan by his coat collar and shakes him, pointing at the image of Taylor Swift on the screen._

Mrs. Marsh: Put down my baby!

_She runs over as Roland releases Stan and hugs him. Roland is obviously frustrated, and the Taylor Swift music is driving him insane. He appears to aim his gun at Charlie and the boys. They scream and duck, and Roland shoots out the stereo playing music behind them. He then proceeds to shoot out each music player in the room except for the television. He again tries to communicate with Stan. He points to himself, then points to Taylor Swift._

Stan: I… I think he wants me to take him to Taylor Swift.

_Roland jumps up and down in delight. He pats Stan on the head._

Shelley: Oh, Taylor Swift is playing a concert in Denver tonight! I wanted to go, but it sold out.

_Roland poses as if cackling evilly before he shoots the image of Taylor Swift on the TV, wrecking it._

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Mrs. Marsh is driving the car. Roland the headless Thompson gunner is in the passenger seat, Stan and Cartman are in the middle, and Kyle, Charlie, and Kenny are in the back. Mrs. Marsh looks more freaked out than any of the kids._

Sharon: So, uh, Roland, I hear you've been to Africa. Did you see any interesting animals? Gorillas, or elephants or anything?

_Roland makes attempts at speech that just sound like gurgling coming from his neck._

Stan: Mom. He doesn't have a mouth.

Sharon: Of course, Stanley. Of course he doesn't have a mouth. Because he's a headless ghost. And if you don't have a head, you can't have a mouth, so you can't talk. Silly me. Ha-ha-ha.

Charlie: Are you all sobered up now, Kenny?

Kenny: (Yeah.)

Charlie: Good, 'cause damn it if I've got to drag you anywhere else.

Sharon: Charlotte! Language!

Charlie (covering her mouth and looking down): Sorry, Mrs. Marsh.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_They pull up to an arena. There's a guy at the gate._

Guy: You folks here for the Swift concert?

Sharon: We're being held hostage by a headless ghost with a machine gun. For God's sake, let us in.

Guy: Ma'am, we don't—

_He looks in the car and sees Roland. For a few seconds he just stares at him._

Guy: Go right ahead, ma'am, enjoy the show.

_They drive up to the front of the arena. Sharon stops the car and Roland and the kids get out. Nearby, a huge line of mostly teenage girls waits outside the arena. They walk up to a security guard at the front._

Stan (tugging at his pants leg to get his attention): Um, excuse me? We need to see Taylor Swift.

Guard: Well then you'll have to wait in line like everyone else.

Another Guard: Time to open up! Let's get this concert started!

_Cheers erupt. Kenny gets trampled as hundreds of Taylor Swift fans run past._

Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastards!

_The three boys stand and wait as the girls continue to run into the arena. Charlie stares in horror with her hands over her mouth. When the crowd finally recedes, she runs up to the bloody corpse and hugs it._

Charlie: Oh my God! Oh my God! [She starts crying.] Poor Kenny!

Cartman (in a high-pitched mocking voice): Ooh, I'm Charlie! I cry when Kenny gets trampled to death because I'm a pansy little girl!

Stan: Yeah. Don't be such a wuss, Charlie.

_They walk into the arena with Roland. Charlie gets up, still sniffling. She's covered in blood._

Charlie: (Sniffle) You guys are assholes. (Sniffle)

_In the arena, fans are in their seats, cheering, as the announcer welcomes Taylor Swift._

Announcer: Now here she is, the little princess of country music: Taylooooor Swift!

_They all keep walking towards the stage. The crowd is going nuts._

Taylor: Hey, everybody! It's so nice of you to all come join me here! I'm gonna start out with a little song I wrote about a boy I once knew. [She starts playing guitar and singing.] Drew looks at me/I fake a smile so he won't see…

_The lights go out suddenly. There are screams in the audience and a gunshot goes off. When the lights are back on, Roland is gone, and all that remains of Taylor Swift is her head. A Thompson gun has been smashed through her guitar. All hell breaks loose in the arena._

Stan: Oh my God! Roland the headless Thompson gunner killed Taylor Swift!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Charlie: Hooray!

_Kyle notices a note stuck to the back of Stan's coat._

Kyle: Hey, what's this?

Stan: Huh?

_Kyle tears the note off of Stan's coat._

Kyle (reading): Dear Children, I thank you for leading me to the home of the Princess of Country. She has been disposed of. Her death has brought me more solace than any of my murders of revenge. I feel that now, I can finally rest in peace. Yours faithfully, Roland the headless Thompson gunner.

Charlie: Wow. I guess, even after all those years of looking for revenge, Roland finally decided to do something to just make the world a better place.

Cartman: And it meant more than all the revenge in the world. How quaint, you guys.

Kyle: P.S.: Seriously, that bitch sucked. I mean, Jesus Christ. Why, God, why?

Charlie: This is great, Stan! Now he isn't going to kill you or your mom! It's almost perfect.

Stan: Why isn't it perfect? What's wrong?

Charlie: I… I just wish Kenny didn't have to die.

Cartman: [Sighs.] My God, are you still thinking about that? My God, you are such a pussy.

Charlie: But… but look! There are rats eating his corpse and everything!

_Rats drag away Kenny's body. Charlie starts crying again._

Kyle: Don't be sad. Just think about all the little rat babies that will get to eat tonight thanks to Kenny.

_Charlie pauses as if contemplating this. Then she vomits._

Cartman: No! No! Don't puke! That'll make Stan puke!

_Stan vomits. Charlie vomits again. Stan vomits again. Kyle vomits. Cartman cracks up._

Cartman: I love you guys.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_The kids sit in front of the TV at Cartman's house. They're watching a news story. Charlie is dressed in a black shirt instead of her normal bluish jacket._

Newscaster: Yesterday was a tragic day for the music industry as it saw the deaths of both Taylor Swift and Warren Zevon. Both were ghoulishly murdered, and detectives have no leads. Investigators declined to say whether they believed the two murders were related. Friends of Swift and Zevon in the music industry have already begun planning a memorial album for the talented pair, which is expected to feature such talents as the Jonas Brothers, Tom Petty, Carrie Underwood, R.E.M., and Miley Cyrus.

Cartman to Charlie: Dude, why are you wearing black all of a sudden? Are you going goth? Because that is so not cool.

Charlie: Kenny and Warren Zevon died yesterday. I'm showing respect for the dead, asshole.

Cartman: You should really try a little harder to respect color coordination.

Newscaster: In other news, the skeletal remains of an eight-year-old boy were discovered in Denver, along with several happy and well-nourished families of Denver rats. It appears that, in death, this young lad gave the gift of his mortal shell to these critters, allowing them to live happy and strong. When reached for comment, one father rat said, "Squeaky squeak squeaker." Now over to Jim Flannigan with the weather.

_They stare at the TV in shock. Charlie, Stan, and Kyle all vomit._

Cartman: Seriously, NOT COOL, guys. Someone's gonna have to clean this up.

_Pause._

Cartman: MOO-OOM!

The End


End file.
